15 September 2011

We all have wings but some of us don't know why



I am not a religious person, but thanks to some strong support from great friends, and a spiritual analogy, I did some thinking, and I've come to this:

For a while there it felt like it was too big to be a part of. I felt out of my depth in a big adult world. I had some lyrics from a yet to be released Darren Hayes song in my head - “I want to run away from this, but I won't leave a sinking ship”. I wanted to run away at times, but I didn't. I am not that type of person. For a little while I became very important to someone.

I've now gone from being very important to someone, to nothing. Intense, regular contact to nothing. No more text or email alerts. Nothing. Now I feel broken and heavy hearted, and a keeper of dark secrets. I wondered whether it was healthy having so much contact and being so open with each other, when it was always in the back of my mind that one day he wouldn't need me anymore. That day came. And I am devastated. Heartbroken.

For the past two and a bit weeks, I've been so sad. And angry. Fragile. Like a second choice. Left wondering. Feeling used. Worthless. Replaced. I struggle to believe my feelings are valid, because I don't think I've lost anything tangible. What was between us is so hard to define. I guess we both made each other feel good. 

When I am alone it hurts. When I am with people, doing important things at work, my mind wanders to places it shouldn't. My eyes regularly well with tears and my head throbs on the verge of crying. I've questioned my usual fierce independence, wondering if I too have some sort of dependency disorder.

I go to sleep, so tired with unexplained grief foreign to me until now, hoping that when I wake I won't think of him as much as the day before. And then I wake up, body heavy, and my everything is sad, knowing that I'm not on his mind anymore.

I gave so much of myself, and I don't know if I can ever do that again. While just loving him was enough for me, and wishing him happiness, it really hurts when it's at the cost of my own happiness.

I've thought for hours, cried so much, and come to no conclusion. I don't feel like I deserve to feel like this when I was just being a good person. The comfort I have found has come through some surprising spiritual enlightenment.

My Mum told me I can be proud that I helped to save a life. My friend told me I played such an important role in helping to get his life back on track. “Maybe that's why you came to know each other”, she said. “and as hard as it is for you, perhaps that's what you're relationship with him was - you're like an angel that came into his life just at the right time”.
Maybe he came into my life for a reason too. It's been complicated from the start. But knowing him has taught me about human suffering. Reaffirmed my own values. And shown me what loving someone unconditionally feels like. 

And maybe that is what I was. Some sort of angel. If it can make me see some positivity in all of this sadness, just for a few minutes a day, then maybe I'll believe the angel analogy.

“I got nothing’ darling
All I’ve got are broken wings
A little love means everything”
~ Hand Me Downs - Bob Evans


Post script - I saw this poem online, I think it relates to the situation very well.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

9 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post, Carly.

    It is beautiful and true.

    You are an angel!

    SSG xxx

    Sydney Shop Girl blog

    ReplyDelete
  2. Carly,
    Unconditional love is hardest to maintain when the person you love has conditions to their love for you. Ride the wave of your grief, learn from it, and then move on, because we know you can.

    Your blog is very heartfelt, and most of the time I have the overwhelming desire to hug you, which is impossible because I am in the USA....but know I am one of your biggest fans.
    Georgia

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  3. You are such a wonderful person, I can't begin to tell you how much I admire you, your inner strength and your profoundly cherished soul.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Such a beautiful post and although it's a difficult situation I truly believe in the season, reason, lifetime poem. It is one of my favourite poems. The gift you gave that person is immeasurable. Wishing you happy times soon. Everyone can see your wings XX

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  5. Such a beautiful post. And thank you for sharing the poem xx

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  6. I'm sorry you're feeling sad, Carly. The best advice I can offer is to let yourself feel sad, rather than ignore it. Time does heal. We all want to be loved, we all want to feel important to someone. I am always being told that I am important to my children and I get that, but it is not always enough... Look after yourself...

    ReplyDelete
  7. your blog explains so many thoughts, feelings and emotions i have had in the last year, a similar situation happening to myself.
    it has only been this last month I've come to terms with how beautiful life really is, and that everything happens for a reason. then, just last night, I met a boy who i think could open my heart again.
    so, thankyou :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. A broken heart, those three words don't even go near to to expressing what it is to experience. I remember that feeling so well, like my chest was caving in. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I lost 10kg in 3 weeks, I don't recommend that to anyone.

    But as I began to heal, I realised how much stronger I had become for that experience. I value the love I have to give in a different way. I value myself in a different way. I understand what it is to be hurt, and the fact that I chose to get out there and find someone new and eventually fall blissfully, head-over-heels in love all while knowing just how terrible it could be if it ends, shows how much stronger I am. How much I've grown up.

    There are still times when I'm mad at my ex, but more I'm glad that I had that experience, because I don't think I could have the relationship I have now without it.

    But I say this to you, for now, it is ok to be sad, to be fragile and to let people look after you. Healing takes time, but when you do heal, I'm sure you will find you too are stronger for the experience.

    Thank you so much for sharing.

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  9. A very, very powerful post. I hope you have healed a little since you wrote this. What you wrote about things happening for a reason and people being in your life for a reason, I think is very true. Not to your extent, but I once was a 'support person' for a family member who was going through tough times...it can be extremely draining. I totally get how invested you must have been and how hard the sudden absence would also have been.

    ReplyDelete

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