01 February 2012

Truths

"I know who I am because I wrote it here. The strangest thing."
~ Eden Riley

There are things I'd never tell some of the people I know, yet I am comfortable with telling the world. It's like words are swirling though my body, yearning to get out. Maybe that is why I itch so much - the words are nagging at me to be released. There are things that I want to write but I don't. These are things I can't bring myself to tell people - because writing about them makes them more real. And it's on paper - or in this case, on the internet - forever, shaping me differently.

When I started this blog, I never thought I'd get too personal. I never thought I'd left real life collide with my blog. But my blog became real life. Because, I think it's impossible to believe, now the internet is so prevalent in our lives, that what happens online isn't real life. Especially if you write about your life. 

I never thought I'd write about so many disability issues or share photos of my friends or write so openly about my skin. When I told my doctor I put a photo of my infected face on my blog, he was horrified, believing it would draw attention from nasty people. I was never going to write about loving someone so much, or about sex. I was never going to write about my flaws or insecurities. I guess I was pretty naive to think that my real life wouldn't collide with my blog. But all those things I thought best to hide - they're me. And my blog is me. And it's helped shape me and find my truths.

I think things seem gentler when they are written rather than spoken. It softens the blow writing them, and then sometimes, for the reader, they are raw and callous, a knife through the heard and a throat hard to swallow.

In my iPhone notes function I have 287 notes. Some are to do lists, others are song titles or setlists I noted down at concerts. There are many whole unedited blog entries among these notes. Lots of unsent letters and text drafts. And so many things that I have written that I can't say. It's strange what we keep to ourselves. Will the world be a worse place if they knew?

-

Last July I went to Nuffnang's Blogopolis conference. I was expecting it to be a really wonderful day. I was excited about seeing all the great friends I'd made, and new ones to be made. Eager to learn. I'd bought a new notebook and pen, and my phone was charged up. But in reality, I wanted to be anywhere but there. I look at my photos of the conference and party that followed, and they remind me that I never did write about what I'd learned there or who I'd met. I can't remember. (There were so many things I was supposed to write then, sponsored stuff. My health and my emotions were unwell. And I apologise for not committing.)

The night before Blogiopolis, I had dinner with Bern and went to the pre-conference party. I was really sore and I do remember that people were hugging me and brushing past my legs due to the cramped bar. My legs were in so much pain - it really did hurt to be touched that night.

When I got home, about 10 pm, I logged onto Facebook before bed and saw that after a month of very troubled times, he was so very desperate and was on his way out to go for a long drive. It's not like he has anywhere to be, he wrote, and he was leaving his dog at home. I panicked. He'd done it before - I'd seen the scars. I sent a text. No reply - it was the first time in a month that I hadn't heard from him - we'd been communicating too frequently (to my eventual dependence and detriment). The next morning I woke up early as my friends were coming by in a taxi to pick me up. Still no reply. I texted again, pretended to be calm. I hope you are ok.

This whole experience, up to that day and beyond, really taught me about how much I should reveal. While friends were just looking out, their judgment (of him) was difficult. "Don't worry about him, he's not your problem". "You'll only end up hurt". "You don't need someone like him in your life". All difficult to take. I didn't write about here, even though he gave me permission to as a way of coping. I couldn't find the words for a long time, and when I finally did, I'd text them into my phone and leave them there to scroll through. So I went the whole day of Blogopolis with only telling one person I was so worried for his safety. I pretended to check my phone for tweets, but I was really checking to see whether he was still alive.

He told me he was ok almost 24 hours after I saw that Facebook status. I didn't know what to say. I know I had a lot to drink at the afterparty, and I was very sad. I look back on that time, and realise what a toll it took on me. I felt a mess - emotionally and physically. I was in hospital a week later. It was hard knowing that a person I love so much was so desperate to end his life because the pain of recovery was too much. It was hard not writing about it too.

-

Two things were said (written) recently to make me think about that time again. In all honesty, I'm doing much better than I was. Happier, less thoughts devoted, not as resentful. But no less hurt. It almost made me not want to write, so I don't over think the situation (or lack of).

One thing he wrote made me want to ask "Are you ok?", again. Because I don't think things are. But it's not my place now, and so I don't. It doesn't mean I don't worry though. I don't think I have the strength to ask "are you ok?" and hear the answer. I can't take it on again. As Kings of Leon sing, call me now, baby, I'd come running.

The other thing he wrote, and perhaps during a time of desperation, was referring to love and me in the same sentence. I can't deal with that. Because actions don't match with words. And I feel like Somebody I used to know personified - addicted to a certain kind of sadness, shut off, cut out, glad that it is over, treated like a stranger (and that feels so rough), reading into every word you say and hung up on somebody that I used to know. (Tell me - is that song the most Facebook statused, relatable song ever?) So I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. Not even thanks. I can't be that person again. That person who is leaned on and confided in with no consideration of consequence. That person who is strung along with words of affection and feels important by being needed. That person who waits and worries for what's (not) coming next.
_

When I read that line (above) in Eden's blog, it resonated with me. I know who I am because I wrote it here. It's clarified my thoughts and enabled emotional growth. I am not sure if I'd be who I am today if it wasn't for my blog. Sometimes writing hurts. Speaking truths, realising things and having opinions thrown back at you. I've written blog entries that have made me feel I've run an emotional marathon, leaving me crying and worn out. But if I kept all those words inside, where would they go?

If you need to seek help, there is a comprehensive list of counseling helplines and websites here.

9 comments:

  1. I hear you Carly I spoke about some of these things at the ABC conference last year Carly, Now after 5 years of blogging my blog is part of who I am. xx Also I forgot to say CONGRATULATIONS on getting the grant, I am very proud of you :) And some of the blogopolis thingy was crap they gave out so much wrong information on that day that it nearly made my head explode.

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    1. Thanks so much Kim :) I remember your speech last year and it showed me that blogging is important and becomes us.

      Your constant support means a lot to me. The grant hasn't officially been announced yet - can't wait til it is and then I will blog and shout it to high heavens!!

      I wish there was an AusBlogCon (not mummyblogger specific) this year though. Would be gret to catch up with bloggers again. But, bring on BlogHer!!

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  2. Living ,learning and growing is what life is all about and it sounds like you are doing it all so well Carly.Stand tall and proud for while you are growing you are also helping others with your wonderful heartfelt writings.Through the rough and the smooth on your lifes journey may you continue to be inspired as you are an inspiration x

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    1. Thank you so much Deby - your words and support are always so lovely :)

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  3. Carly I love the open honesty on your blog. I sometimes feel quite limited by mine. Only talking about happy things is great except when there is something really playing on my mind that isn't so great. I wanted to post when my dog died at Christmas, but it just seemed wrong, maybe I need to not be so tough in my rules. Anyway, your raw honesty is inspiring and for someone without a disability I feel like I've really learned to appreciate what it is actually like to live with one.

    I also really relate to what you are going through with him. I have a him in my life, not someone I loved but someone I considered one of my best friends. I've come to realise that much of our "friendship" was based on how useful I was to him and at some point he decided he didn't need me anymore. It is awful to just be discarded. He is going through some tough times now, everyone is turning to me as to how to support him.

    If you are a truly caring person like you clearly are, you can't just abandon someone, even if they have been terribly cruel. But the looking after them aspect is also really hard. So let the words out, they are important. And keep blogging because you inspire a lot of people through your wonderful words.

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    1. Dear Lisa,
      I told Carly when my dog died before Christmas and her comforting words really helped me as everyone was saying "just think of the good years you had with him"So dont be afraid to open up and be honest.The twitter family can be very warm indeed and those who are not dont count.Im so sorry for the loss of your dog and hope a big twitter hug can be of some comfort to you as I so understand x

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    2. Hi Lisa, thank you for your lovely words. I don't think blogging has any rules. if you want to blog about the death of your dog (which is so tough - sorry to read about your loss), go ahead. I blogged when my two dogs died, and the support I got was really lovely. I think that the online support generated through blogging is amazing, and sometimes that really helps me through. Just blog about what you feel comfortable about :)

      As for your friend - it is really tough when you care about someone more than they care about you, and your caring was merely convenient for them. Yep, I have been there with my 'him' and it was one of the hardest things ever. True grief. I hope you recover from this loss too.

      :)

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  4. Big stuff, Carly. It's so hard to be the person everyone leans on, especially when you're going through a hard time yourself. Unfortunately when someone is further down the black hole they can't see that... and it can lead to so much hurt and anger being ladled on to "the strong one" who maybe isn't so strong at that particular moment.
    It's a bitch of place to be. I believe though that we can't help anyone else if we don't help ourselves. Remembering that when I feel like crap though is rather hard :P

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  5. Carly, I am so sorry it's taken me so long to read this post. But I am so glad I read it today, of all days.

    "It's strange what we keep to ourselves. Will the world be a worse place if they knew?" THAT is exactly where I'm at with a lot of stuff right now this second.

    I'm glad your friend is alive. This life is so exquisitely painful for us all, in so many ways.

    XXX

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