14 February 2014

Valentines Day

 

This is the first Valentines Day that I've ever properly celebrated. That I have celebrated truly with someone else. That I have ever celebrated in the commercial, cheesy, romantic way that Hallmark intended. My boy is taking me away to a five star hotel at a surprise destination for the weekend. We have bought each other presents. He's so proud to have organised this - two months ago now. We'll eat seafood and hold hands and wander down the local shopping strips.

I'd like to think I don't buy into this commercial day of love, but how can I not when my boy is making me feel like a princess? And it seems like Valentines Day is far more fun when the love is mutual.

I have sent many cards and presents to unrequited loves over the years. Most were met with polite smiles and awkward but genuine thankyous. But no valentine recipients ever returned the love I was so desperately looking for. In hindsight, reciprocated love would be a sign I was 'normal'. It would be a validation of my worth.

Then I realised it's more validating to love yourself instead of needing to be on the constant lookout for love.

And while I have had relationships in the past, this one feels most real, the most stable, the most accepting. This is the one that I'm not left wondering or fearing the end. The one where I rarely worry about whether my skin is a hinderance (and believe me, I do, I still do). It's the most loving. I finally know what it's like to make love in the true sense, as opposed to having sex. I laugh with him unashamedly. And I cook for him because food is love.

I seem to have written about this many times before. And I'm not playing the victim card, honestly. But it's my experience. It is very hard for someone who looks different or has a disability to find someone to love them.

And so now it's happened, I am so proud/relieved/in love. A few of my friends with disabilities have talked about how they felt they had to sing it loud when they'd finally found love, they'd finally had sex - like it was something to prove. Because the world doubted the idea that they deserved and would find love. I even catch myself now hesitating when I say "my boyfriend", as I still worry I might come across someone who can't believe it - even with my strong sense of self worth. Crazy hey?!

A few people I know want love. They don't have visible differences or disabilities. There's nothing outwardly 'wrong' with them. They're tired of being alone, feel like they're ageing, and lonely, I guess. And there often seems to be a lack of self love. I know what that was like. I'd always joke I'd be a spinster, but deep down I worried I'd never find unconditional love beyond my parents.

So many platitudes were said to me when I was single. They're said to people I know too.

"Someone will come along one day."

"The right person is out there."

"You are a great girl, why wouldn't you find love?"

"The right one comes when you stop looking." (To an extent that one was true for me.)

"You don't need a man in your life."

I believe love came when I felt good about myself, and also when I stopped worrying when I'd find it. I met my boy when I had no time for love, when I wasn't interested in the very few messages I'd receive from the online dating site I registered with but never participated actively in, and also when I was at my most confident in myself. I can't say that you will find love but I do know that putting positivity out there brought love back for me.

I took a chance on a man who wasn't my 'type' (my type seemed to be the bad, unemployed, drug using type...though my ideal was different). By taking this chance, I've found a man who doesn't have much in common with me but he's got the biggest heart and warmest hug I could wish for. He looks after me so, so well. Everyday I thank him for finding me.

I sent virtual kisses to a lot of toads. I spent time loving unrequitedly and loving those who did love me but didn't make me feel good about myself. Then I opened my heart up and found my prince.

 

6 comments:

  1. Disability or no disability, finding someone to love and whom will love you is hard work. I also have a disability that alters my physical appearance to a slight degree and this has always made me believe that I should have a hard time finding someone who would "accept me" which is ridiculous because it that is more about my lack of faith in people as a whole. Love is hard to come by and even harder to hold on to.

    I dont believe it has much to do with loving yourself or putting yourself out there positively or anything like that -- but more to do with chance and luck. You were obviously proactive about your love life to some degree (even being signed up to a dating website even if you werent actively participating). I hate when people tell others silly things like, "it will happen when you least expect"

    It RARELY happens like that. You don't tell people they're going to come in to money if theyre patient and just wait and when they rarely expect a big bag of money will drop in to their lap. If you want love, you have to be proactive and willing to get hurt and willing to stop taking rejection personally.

    As well as all that, girls in particular need to be OK with being alone too. Girls who aren't OK with being alone hop from idiot to idiot and end up losing hope in love and or don't ever really find love for what it is supposed to be....

    I don't believe that any of this applies to someone anymore than the next person because they have physical issues. Everyone has things about themselves that they dont like / can't look at / are insecure about to a ridiculous degree. Not letting those things turn us in to self-deprecating, under-confident shells of people is probably is what is going to help us along in the process.

    Just my 2c

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe that finding love has a great deal to do with accepting yourself and having confidence in who you are. I don't have a disability. I do have a confidence problem (although, if I'm honest, I have less of once since meeting someone who has every confidence in me). We all have moments of ' why would anyone possibly love me'.

      When I met the love of my life I was six years single, and really kind of pissed about that. I was not actively hunting for love online or otherwise at that time, although had done at random times during that six years, entirely unsuccessfully. And when I met him I was doing something for me, because I wanted to. It was all about me, and an expression of my confidence. That's when I met him, entirely unexpectedly, when I wasn't looking out, I was looking in.

      Like Carly, I took a chance on someone who didn't fit the picture of what I thought I was looking for. That, to be honest, was a revelation. You think you know what you need, but you often don't.

      I'd agree that being comfortable with being alone is key. This is what allows you to not settle, but to find what it is you need from love.

      All the best Carly, I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day, and beyond.

      Delete
    2. I believe that finding love has a great deal to do with accepting yourself and having confidence in who you are. I don't have a disability. I do have a confidence problem (although, if I'm honest, I have less of once since meeting someone who has every confidence in me). We all have moments of ' why would anyone possibly love me'.

      When I met the love of my life I was six years single, and really kind of pissed about that. I was not actively hunting for love online or otherwise at that time, although had done at random times during that six years, entirely unsuccessfully. And when I met him I was doing something for me, because I wanted to. It was all about me, and an expression of my confidence. That's when I met him, entirely unexpectedly, when I wasn't looking out, I was looking in.

      Like Carly, I took a chance on someone who didn't fit the picture of what I thought I was looking for. That, to be honest, was a revelation. You think you know what you need, but you often don't.

      I'd agree that being comfortable with being alone is key. This is what allows you to not settle, but to find what it is you need from love.

      All the best Carly, I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day, and beyond.

      Delete
    3. Thanks Jess - I'm not sure i I was clear or if you're a new reader to my blog but one of the barriers to finding love was the attitudes towards my appearance from others, rather than the way I felt about myself. I've got a pretty healthy self esteem. And I'm quite comfortable being alone - in fact if I am honest, one of the biggest adjustments to being in a relationship is not having much alone time.
      And my boy really did come along when I was not actively looking. I even said to a friend a week before I met him "I don't have time for a boyfriend"

      Thanks for sharing your story.

      Delete

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